People Pleasing Has Little to Do with Keeping Others Happy
People-pleasing is an external attempt to prove your worthiness to another person. It may be hard for you to believe you are worthy, just as you are.
We may consciously think “I don’t want to let this person down” or “If I say no, they will be mad, upset, disappointed, etc.” Because the idea was planted somewhere of “I’m not worthy” or “I am only worthy when I do xyz,” self-sabotage sets in to confirm these beliefs.
Self-sabotage and self-abandonment go hand in hand. Self-sabotage says “I believe I’m not worthy, so I am going to do everything I can to prove otherwise, even if I don’t actually want to do these things.”
Self-abandonment says “It’s hard for me to choose myself so I am going to choose everyone' else’s happiness over my own.”
The most liberating thing you can do for yourself is to start choosing yourself.
If you find yourself people-pleasing out of habit, understand this is normal and a common symptom of trauma and C-PTSD. To begin to break out of this habit, ask yourself the following questions:
How often do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?
Who and where does this come up around?
Who am I if I’m not people-pleasing?
What will others think when I stop?
What will I think about myself when I stop?
How will I feel about myself?
How does my body respond to these questions?
Do I feel tension, heaviness, lightness, or openness anywhere?
What emotions arise when I think about these things?
How does my nervous system respond? Is it hyper or hypo-aroused?
Be gentle with yourself and try not to judge your answers. Remember, people-pleasing is something you’ve likely done to protect yourself or cope for a long time.
Ready to break free from people-pleasing and build healthier relationships with yourself and others? Book a FREE Discovery Call for therapy today.
Holistic Therapy for inner child healing, people-pleasing, and anxiety is available to residents of Florida, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Vermont.
About the author: Sabrina Gelsinger-Rodorigo, LCSW, RYT-200 is a psychotherapist and yoga teacher who truly values holistic care. She supports women to overcome childhood trauma and embody the joy they long for. HHWS specializes in people pleasing, anxiety, and childhood wounds to help you heal from trauma, reparent your inner child, and embrace your authentic self. This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for mental health or medical advice.