From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing: Unpacking the Cycle
Ever wonder why you struggle so much with putting others' needs before your own? Why the idea of disappointing someone feels almost unbearable? It might feel like just a need to be nice, but for many of us, there’s a deeper story underneath. Let’s gently explore how our upbringing can shape these patterns and how we can begin to free ourselves from them.
When we were kids, love and acceptance may have felt conditional. Maybe you were praised when you got good grades or told to be on your best behavior to avoid conflict. Back then, doing what others wanted felt like the safest way to be loved and accepted. We did what we had to do to feel secure. But now, as adults, these same habits can leave us feeling stuck, exhausted, and disconnected from our true selves.
How Parent-Pleasing Turns into People-Pleasing
Fear of Disappointing Others: If you learned early on that upsetting someone led to consequences, you might still do everything you can to avoid that feeling.
Seeking Validation: Growing up, you may have needed external approval to feel worthy. As an adult, you might find it hard to believe in your own value without that constant reassurance.
Conflict Avoidance: Even the smallest disagreements can feel overwhelming. It’s understandable if you’d rather avoid conflict entirely, even when it comes at the cost of your own needs.
How to Gently Start Unlearning These Patterns
Reflect on Where It All Began: Take a moment to consider how your upbringing shaped your beliefs about worthiness. Understanding this can feel like a light bulb moment, illuminating why you act the way you do.
Re-Parent Yourself with Kindness: Think about what you needed to hear as a child—words like “It’s okay to rest” or “You are loved, no matter what.” Now, imagine offering those words to yourself. It’s a small but powerful way to heal.
Self-Validation Is Key: Instead of waiting for others to approve of your choices, practice giving yourself the support you crave. Celebrate even the smallest wins, like setting a boundary or choosing to rest, and let yourself feel proud.
Parent-pleasing and people-pleasing are so connected that it can be hard to tell them apart.
But here’s the beautiful thing: Simply becoming aware of these patterns is the first step to healing them. You don’t have to earn love or prove your worth.
Love is your birthright. And it’s okay to take your time as you learn to fully believe that.
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About the author: Sabrina Cruz, LCSW, RYT-200 is a psychotherapist and yoga teacher who truly values holistic care. She supports women to break free from people-pleasing and unapologetically embody their light. HHWS specializes in people pleasing, anxiety, and childhood wounds to help you heal from trauma, reparent your inner child, and embrace your authentic self.
This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for mental health or medical advice.